The Awkwardness of Mother’s Day.

The first year after I married her Dad, my Bonus Daughter sent me a lovely
Handmade card for Mother’s Day. I had not anticipated a card at all, and I felt teary and giddy all at once. The next year a Hallmark card arrived, this time I assume her Biomom bought it for her and made sure it arrived via mail on time for Mother’s Day. I appreciated the joint effort from them both to ensure that I felt welcome and appreciated in her life. As she got older, the Mother’s day and birthday cards turned into email greeting cards, and finally into somewhat awkward phone calls. I really don’t take the lack of cards personally - Biomom is probably no longer buying me cards or reminding Bonus Daughter of my birthday. This year, my Bonus Daughter actually forgot my birthday. I think she actually felt as bad as I initially did, but you can’t hold that against an 11-year old - she's only 11 afterall.

So this year I waited in anticipation of the awkwardness of Mother’s Day.

Mother's Day is the day when I want to assure my Bonus Daughter that she doesn’t owe me anything, and that she doesn’t have any obligation to me. Personally I don’t really think I need to be thanked or appreciated, and I also don’t really think I need to intrude on this day that my bonus daughter shares with her Biomom. Yet, I have no idea how to approach the conversation. We have NEVER had the “mother” conversation. She’s never ever told me “You’re not my mom.” I’ve never tried to act like her mom, and I make it a point to never criticize her mom. We both silently refuse to acknowledge the word Stepmom or Stepdaughter in our vocabulary. I often wonder how she refers to me when she’s around her friends, but I don’t dare ask her. They’re at most awkward conversations to have, and we just don’t go there. But Mother’s Day is one of those days that you cannot ignore or forget as its everywhere.

Bonus Daughter’s call came at around 11 AM today. We chatted for a while, without a mention of Mother’s Day. When it came time to say goodbye, we exchanged I love you’s, and that was it. We ignored Mother’s Day. I felt very happy that she called me, but still somewhat weird, as I always do around Mother’s Day.

Truthfully, I feel awkward as I don’t think of myself as a Mother everyday because I don’t have my Bonus Daughter around me everyday. For the most part my daily life is vastly different from every other mom that I know - I’m consumed by my career ambitions, fitness goals, and daily calorie intake, while they sort out carpools and go to soccer games. Bonus Daughter lives with her mom in a neighboring state, and spends holidays, long weekends and a large chunk of her summer vacation with us.

When she is living with us, or when I speak to her on the phone once a week, I feel like a Bonus Mom. Usually people say when you have kids it changes your daily routine, well, ours only changes during these long weekends or over the long Summer break, when Dad and I become real parents. We organize fun weekend activities and plan meals, we watch less horror movies and rent more PG 13 fare. During this time, I concern myself with house rules and this is usually when I search the internet for the equivalent of “time outs” for tweens. This is also when I realize how little I know about kids today and parenthood in general. That’s when I fall back on how I was brought up by my own firm but loving mom. Thanks to my mother, at least I have a moral compass to guide me when it comes to my Bonus Daughter.

I spoke with my mom on the phone earlier, and she reminded me that she has a new daughter in her life, as my brother recently got married. This new daughter has no idea yet of whom my mother really is, and no idea of the amount of prayers my mother has said for me in her lifetime. This new daughter can’t possibly appreciate my mother as much as I do. This got me thinking about how easy and dangerous it can be to impose on the existing bond between a mom and her daughter. A mother raises her daughter with her own rules, love and values, almost as an extension of herself. As a daughter, you internalize your mom's moral compass - then you rebel against it - and finally you come to appreciate it like I do today. A day like Mother’s Day is exactly that, a day to honor and celebrate this person that has made your bed until the day that you could make your own.

I want my Bonus Daughter to be thankful to her Biomom for everything that I haven’t and can’t possibly do for her. I want her to celebrate and focus on her Biomom today. Forging new family ties is part of opening ourselves up to love, but we can’t do so without being in awe of, and with respect for these deeper, older, and more developed bonds. With this in mind I called my mother-in-law today, and thanked her for what’s she’s done for my husband throughout his life.

While I was on the phone talking to her, my Bonus Daughter sms'd me, about an hour after her initial call. “Sorry I totally forgot to say…HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY :-)”

I’m a mom of sorts, if only by affiliation with this little girl, so I feel very grateful and honored to be an afterthought today, and I truly mean this.