In this stepmom journey, the hardest thing I've learned so far, is that good intentions are not enough. I used to think that if I could only explain Dad's perspective to Biomom, that she'd see his point of view - esp because I'm always trying to see her side of things. Sadly, nowadays I simply fail to see her side of the story.
This past week, Dad and Bonus Daughter had a seemingly pleasant conversation over the phone about summer camp. Bonus Daughter is visiting us for 5 weeks and going to Summer Day Camp. Dad explained that the day camp would provide lunches everyday and that it was included in camp costs. Now typically any kid would get excited about the prospect of camp food like pizza and hot dogs. Bonus Daughter however, decided to consult her own personal lobbyist, Biomom. Biomom subsequently sent Dad an email asking to discuss her concerns about lunch.
What concerns, we wondered. They're certainly not concerns about being served unhealthy foods at camp, because Bonus Daughter has had a steady unhealthy diet of white foods, slimfast bars, pancakes, frappucinos and frozen yoghurt over the years. Usually, I try to gently educate Bonus Daughter about the benefits of wheat bread vs white bread, cultures in yoghurt,eating veggies, and so on, without any success whatsoever.
Dad explained to Biomom that we have not yet received camp menus, and that there wasn't really much to do at this point, two weeks prior to summer camp starting. Dad said we'd work out the lunch situations with Bonus Daughter once she got here. Now, a rational person might accept Dad's explanation. A rational person might also pick their battles, and let Dad feed his Daughter without interfering. But not Biomom. Biomom wrote an email saying she would strongly prefer that we don't have issues such as packing lunches, and that she needed to figure out if she needed to pack lunches for Bonus Daughter to send along for the Summer. I'd love to know what kind of earthquake emergency food bars she was going to supply for 5 weeks to sustain Bonus Daughter.
Dad and I stressed for a little bit, as our every move is always under microscope. I so badly wanted to tell her to let us be, leave us alone, and just let us be parents for 5 weeks, without feeling like the Big Brother is constantly watching us and interfering! But we decided to ignore her email in the end. The other lesson in my stepmom journey, is to pick those battles... Biomom eventually called up summer camp herself , and they said they did not have lunch menus available yet. Go figure.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Always Blame Dad
There was a time when Dad and I thought Bonus Daughter's toddler tantrums were behind us and that we had only rosy days of happy nuclear familydom ahead of us. No more "I want mommy not my daddy" fits, or teary phone calls with the Biomom every night. We were looking forward to having a rational little person around who would be excited to spend time with Dad. Funny enough, now that Bonus Daughter is old enough to reason, Dad and I have finally realized that maybe that day of appreciation and gratitude may not be for another ten or twenty odd years.
Those teary phone calls with Biomom during her toddler years were the worst. We were still living on the East-Coast and Biomom on the other side of the Continent in the crazy city Las Vegas. Every night at 7:30 pm Biomom would call and too frequently those calls made little Bonus Daughter cry uncontrollably. I thought of my own parents, miles away on the African Continent, and how I usually ended our telephone conversations in tears missing them, so I couldn't blame anyone for the tears. Naturally, Biomom wanted to make sure babygirl is ok, and Bonus Daughter was adjusting to the time difference and missing her primary caregiver. No-one was to blame for the all-round heartbreaking situation.
But of course, Biomom blamed Dad. Of course he had to be doing something wrong to cause Bonus Daughter to cry! Sometimes my poor husband would field calls from the grandma and Biomom, both probing. Naturally, any small child tends to cry at the end of a long day of fun and sun. We'd leave a theme park and there would be tears. No dessert and there would be tears. I'd put sunscreen on her face and there would be tears. Tired small kids cry I easily, don't they? I eventually learned the devious art of distraction, and I would engage Bonus Daughter in some kind of fun activity just before that 7:30 pm call. It worked. She'd either babble on and on about how much fun she was having or she'd be thoroughly preoccupied.
Those early years were joyful and painful all at once. When Bonus Daughter was only 4, she would flat out refuse to hold her Dad's hand. She would only hold my hand, as a way to punish him. It wasn't that she loved me more, she was simply using me as a weapon against her Dad, who took her away from her Mom. I must admit, I was and still am in awe of a small child's intuitive ability to manipulate grown-up emotions. When other adults were around, she would hold their hands and ignore us both. How could such a tiny and pretty little girl have that much power over my husband and I? We'd both be longing for acceptance and love and affection and by gosh, if you think a boyfriend or girlfriend can break your heart, try feeling rejected by a child when you are giving it your all. Heartbreak for life. My husband kept reminding himself that in the long run she would appreciate his efforts to be a real father to her. Now, she was missing her mom and her home, but one day sooner than later, she'd be grateful for a Daddy would fought to be a part of her life.
With the decrease in tantrums, we enjoyed the bliss of feeling like happy nuclear family for a couple of great years when Bonus Daughter was 7-9. And then one day I realized we had a pre-teen under our roof and I had no idea how to parent a girl growing up with a flat iron and a sophisticated cell phone. So as Dad and Daughter's bond grew stronger, I noticed how everything started getting more difficult for me. I'm good with fun, and mostly confused about boundaries and house rules. Initially my role as Dad's girlfriend was easy, I was an adult fun friend to Bonus Daughter and we'd play dress-up. I built houses for Bratz and Barbies and I'd put essential oils in her bath.
But then I transitioned from fun friend to Step Mother in their hair 24/7. I would try to coax information out of her, esp in terms of dinners and lunches at home. What to cook for a kid that eats no vegetables or fruits, only mostly white foods (Mash potatoes, rice, white bread and luckily also chicken tenders.) I also tried to figure out why 9 year old girls shave their legs, and how come she knows more programs on TV than I do. Aren't you supposed to curb the amount of TV a child watches? I also realized how easily it is for me to act like a child myself, I'm definitely very good at giving my loved ones the sulky silent treatment.
So I realized that the hardest part of embracing Step Motherhood, is to do the work that is not so fun. To make sure Bonus Daughter goes to bed on time, so that she can function the next day, when its easier to let her stay up all night and keep her happy. To become consistent in the rules of my house and my own personal boundaries. No yelling is my rule, and I intend on holding everyone to it. I thought of banning sarcasm and the word "whatever" this Summer, as its used too often in a very uncaring and disrespectful way. I decided that if I think a 12-year old should not be watching a particular movie for whatever reason, then I'm not going to give in - even if Biomom says yes. Most importantly, I have realized that it's easy to give up and to let Dad handle the hard stuff. It's easy to say, this isn't really my battle to fight. Why should I try so hard for us all to enjoy a family outing, if Bonus Daughter seems intend on ruining it? Last year, I gave up for a few weeks. Instead I buried myself in my work, and I let Bonus Daughter stay in her room watching TV all day. I let Dad make chicken tenders every night. This Summer, I plan to put in the work. I don't think its going to be easy, but I intend to put in the effort to set those rules, and to have some fun. And how hard can it be to have family fun together?
Those teary phone calls with Biomom during her toddler years were the worst. We were still living on the East-Coast and Biomom on the other side of the Continent in the crazy city Las Vegas. Every night at 7:30 pm Biomom would call and too frequently those calls made little Bonus Daughter cry uncontrollably. I thought of my own parents, miles away on the African Continent, and how I usually ended our telephone conversations in tears missing them, so I couldn't blame anyone for the tears. Naturally, Biomom wanted to make sure babygirl is ok, and Bonus Daughter was adjusting to the time difference and missing her primary caregiver. No-one was to blame for the all-round heartbreaking situation.
But of course, Biomom blamed Dad. Of course he had to be doing something wrong to cause Bonus Daughter to cry! Sometimes my poor husband would field calls from the grandma and Biomom, both probing. Naturally, any small child tends to cry at the end of a long day of fun and sun. We'd leave a theme park and there would be tears. No dessert and there would be tears. I'd put sunscreen on her face and there would be tears. Tired small kids cry I easily, don't they? I eventually learned the devious art of distraction, and I would engage Bonus Daughter in some kind of fun activity just before that 7:30 pm call. It worked. She'd either babble on and on about how much fun she was having or she'd be thoroughly preoccupied.
Those early years were joyful and painful all at once. When Bonus Daughter was only 4, she would flat out refuse to hold her Dad's hand. She would only hold my hand, as a way to punish him. It wasn't that she loved me more, she was simply using me as a weapon against her Dad, who took her away from her Mom. I must admit, I was and still am in awe of a small child's intuitive ability to manipulate grown-up emotions. When other adults were around, she would hold their hands and ignore us both. How could such a tiny and pretty little girl have that much power over my husband and I? We'd both be longing for acceptance and love and affection and by gosh, if you think a boyfriend or girlfriend can break your heart, try feeling rejected by a child when you are giving it your all. Heartbreak for life. My husband kept reminding himself that in the long run she would appreciate his efforts to be a real father to her. Now, she was missing her mom and her home, but one day sooner than later, she'd be grateful for a Daddy would fought to be a part of her life.
With the decrease in tantrums, we enjoyed the bliss of feeling like happy nuclear family for a couple of great years when Bonus Daughter was 7-9. And then one day I realized we had a pre-teen under our roof and I had no idea how to parent a girl growing up with a flat iron and a sophisticated cell phone. So as Dad and Daughter's bond grew stronger, I noticed how everything started getting more difficult for me. I'm good with fun, and mostly confused about boundaries and house rules. Initially my role as Dad's girlfriend was easy, I was an adult fun friend to Bonus Daughter and we'd play dress-up. I built houses for Bratz and Barbies and I'd put essential oils in her bath.
But then I transitioned from fun friend to Step Mother in their hair 24/7. I would try to coax information out of her, esp in terms of dinners and lunches at home. What to cook for a kid that eats no vegetables or fruits, only mostly white foods (Mash potatoes, rice, white bread and luckily also chicken tenders.) I also tried to figure out why 9 year old girls shave their legs, and how come she knows more programs on TV than I do. Aren't you supposed to curb the amount of TV a child watches? I also realized how easily it is for me to act like a child myself, I'm definitely very good at giving my loved ones the sulky silent treatment.
So I realized that the hardest part of embracing Step Motherhood, is to do the work that is not so fun. To make sure Bonus Daughter goes to bed on time, so that she can function the next day, when its easier to let her stay up all night and keep her happy. To become consistent in the rules of my house and my own personal boundaries. No yelling is my rule, and I intend on holding everyone to it. I thought of banning sarcasm and the word "whatever" this Summer, as its used too often in a very uncaring and disrespectful way. I decided that if I think a 12-year old should not be watching a particular movie for whatever reason, then I'm not going to give in - even if Biomom says yes. Most importantly, I have realized that it's easy to give up and to let Dad handle the hard stuff. It's easy to say, this isn't really my battle to fight. Why should I try so hard for us all to enjoy a family outing, if Bonus Daughter seems intend on ruining it? Last year, I gave up for a few weeks. Instead I buried myself in my work, and I let Bonus Daughter stay in her room watching TV all day. I let Dad make chicken tenders every night. This Summer, I plan to put in the work. I don't think its going to be easy, but I intend to put in the effort to set those rules, and to have some fun. And how hard can it be to have family fun together?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)