Stages of emotional development

My bonus daughter turned 12 today. When I asked how she felt about her age, she said, "Its so awkward when you're 11 or 12, people think you're a child until you're 13 or 14-ish. People think I look like a teen anyway." I secretly chuckled, and told her that she was very mature for her age. And I meant it, honestly.

Bonus Daughter is a very smart girl and I often have to remind myself that she is younger than she sounds. I've always thought of her like a little mini-adult. She has a very developed sense of personalized style and opinions, and she is also the queen of wit. I think I only discovered sarcasm during my university years, and she mastered it at age 7. With ipods and mytouches and the witty Disney dialogue, all kids sound less like kids to me anyway. That is probably the most pronounced difference between my stepdaughter and I - she is much more sophisticated at 12 than I am right now as an adult. My guess is that I have actually happened upon one of the hardest realities of parenthood: accepting that your kids are more intellectually stimulated and bound to surpass you sooner than later in overall competence and intelligence.

Some of these technological advances really challenge me as a bonus parent. Usually by the time one of those ever-changing devices like Wii's or whatever-else arrive in my home, their use is endorsed by biomom and anything Dad and I decide will be contentious. This summer, we have to figure out how to handle the new mytouch cell phone with 24-hour internet access. A few years ago I felt very uncomfortable when bonus daughter at age 7 arrived with a flat iron. I got one when I was 24 and burned a hole in my husband's faux leather chair. Remembering my terrible first burn, I had a tough time trusting even a very mature 7- year old with this tool of torture. And just by the way - how will your hair look after 20 years of straightening?

Maybe because she doesn't live with us year-round, and I have no exposure to other parents with 12-year olds, I just feel overall more clueless when it comes to the emotional development of a pre-teen in this technologically advanced world that is so different from how I grew up in Africa. I ran around in the streets and imagined little mini-computerized devices and secret passages and crooks. We improvized walkie-talkies, today my bonus daughter has several mini computerized devices. Who needs walkie-talkies anyway when you can text! I actually typed "female 12 year old emotional development" into my browser today. It's a little sad.

And in hindsight, I should have googled "presents for 12 year old girls." How was I supposed to know there is some designer actually designing jewelry for girls age 12 using crystals and gemstones and the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland? Her Biomom brought her this exquisite necklace for her birthday. "You probably haven't heard of this designer, have you?" she asked me. Sadly, no. The jewelry that I own are typically made by women from rural villages of South Africa with beads or copperwire. I kind of wish I bought my bonus daughter some sustainable jewelry to celebrate this 12th milestone. Maybe if I'd given her a lovely beaded necklace from an employment project for disadvantaged women, I could have taught her something in the process about responsible purchases.

My parents never bought us whatever we wanted whenever we wanted it, and today I'm the same. Instead, we treasured the birthday and Christmas gifts that they picked out for us and we attached sentimental value to them. I still remember what I got for Christmas when I was 12, it was a lovely silver signet necklace and signet ring. It got stolen years later when our house was broken into, and it broke my heart.

My best friend had an abundance of silver jewelry, dangling silver bangles, a silver ring on each finger and a number of silver chains around her neck. My mom did not want me looking like a Christmas tree, she said, but I loved how my friend sparkled when she wore the silver against her tanned skin. So I wore my classy silver Christmas gift set every day and it made me feel gorgeous. Now, I'm am not particularly concerned about external appearances. But my bonus daughter is. So I need to tap into those feelings of having been 12 once. I raided my dad's closet for army jerseys and my mom's for big buckle belts, all in the quest to develop my own style and sense of self. I need to do so for my little bonus daughter, because right now, the Alice in Wonderland one-of-a-kind designer necklace really shows that Biomom is thinking of her needs and her sense of identity. And I need to be more attuned to it.