Confessions of A Bonus Mom

I am officially on the wrong side of 30 now and I am still very much in denial about my age. When TWILIGHT hit the theaters in 2008, the latent 13-year old girl inside me reared her pimply head and I totally GOT the phenomenon. Robert Pattinson stared into the souls of tweens and teenage girls around the world, and I could still identify with those girls. My bonus daughter, 10 at the time, was sitting in the movie theater with her little hand shielding her face from Dad and me. I saw the waves of infatuation and anticipation wash across her features, and with a shock I realized how fast she was growing up. I also felt slightly jealous of her youth, because 30somethings like myself can't exactly put up Robert Pattinson posters in the marital chamber. When we walked out of the theater she said to me "I knew you would love it. I knew Dad would hate the movie!"

The bond with my bonus daughter came fairly easily, we were both just little girls when I met her for the first time, she had just turned 4 and I was only 23. Playing dress-up, painting our toenails, doing makeup and hair, shopping, and playing with Bratz and Barbies solidified our friendship early on. I secretly think she never saw me as Dad's girlfriend or a potential stepmom, only as a friend for her to play with - until the day when Dad said he was planning to marry me. He consulted her before he proposed to me, and she said she did not want a stepmother. Stepmothers implied all things ugly and evil, and her little 6-year old self did not want that.

My feelings were a little hurt at first, but I decided not to take it personally - she liked me, she just didn't like the IDEA of a potentially evil stepmom. I decided I would be committed to being a BONUS in her life, just another person who would love her and support her for the rest of her life.

When I think back to my twenties, I rarely thought about what motherhood actually entails. Bonusdaughter would come to visit and we'd do fun things together. The older we both got, the more I started wondering, do Biomoms have instincts I don't have? Do they naturally know when you're old enough to shave your legs or use deodorant? Do biomoms intuitively know things I don't?

And that's why I need to confess today. I am scared. My bonus daughter is turning 12 in a week's time. She is no longer a little girl and I'm no longer a little girl either, I have reluctantly embraced adulthood and its concerns with things like health insurance and cholestrol. The BonusGirl is in the final stages of tweenhood, and if this phase is any indication of what is to come during the teen years, I'm terrified of my own role in all of this. I don't really feel equipped. When does she become old enough to stay at home alone? At what age can she go for walks by herself? How much time should she spend on the internet? (Oh wait - she has a mytouch, and can go on the internet at ALL times!)

So that's why I'm starting this blog. I'm reaching out to other BonusMoms who can identify with my good intentions and insecurities.